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Too much shit going on. Friendships going to hell, financial situation still pretty shitty. Best friend may be moving to the other side of the country.



Fuckin hell.

Been a long past few days. And I've been in a really strange mood. I'd almost say depressed, but there's been up moments, and I don't really have anything to be depressed about. I guess somber would be more fitting. Too much running through my head. My best friend may be moving to California, and I've contemplated going with him. But it wouldn't really be feasible for me. He doesn't have to worry about the financial end of it, he's set for the next year or two on that end. I know if I decided to go with him, he'd help make sure I was taken care of, but I don't want to do things like that. And I've got a lot to leave behind here. This area is a hellhole, but all my ties are here pretty much. And I've got some plans starting to set in motion here to get me pretty well set up for the rest of my life. Buying a house with a friend of mine, fixing it up as we go using the mortage, and hopefully a car payment as well, to rebuild my credit, have a big enough house that we could have a friend or two live with us, and use the rent to pay for most of the mortage payments and whatnot, couple of decent job opportunities have come up, and if everything else falls into place with it, that'll let me get my savings built back up some. Should be getting back into school, into the only field with any opportunity in this area, medical. Probably going into pharmacy. Later on, be able to sell the house, pay off the remainder of the mortage, and split the rest between me and my friend, and have a down payment for another house. Everything seems like it would work out well. Biggest iffy part is hoping I get one of the jobs I've applied for.

Still need to work on the whole being single thing though. It's getting really old.



My friend that's been staying with me lately, just getting off of a few bad drug habits, and some other shit, finally realized she needed to straighten her life up, has ended up curled up in bed with me when she's been staying here. Which has been odd for me in a way. We're close enough friends that we can do shit like that, and be completely fine with it, as just friends. I thought it'd actually end up helping me sleep. One of the biggest things I still miss about my ex is having someone to curl up with at night. It really hasn't helped at all, just made me think that much more about how much I miss having someone there. But oh well. I'm more or less used to the lonliness by now. It's just hitting a little harder right now then it has been most of the time lately.



I think I need to find the money to finally get my tattoo done. I don't cut myself anymore, but I still remember the emotional cleansing I could get from the pain. The ink work should be even more of that. Not only do I have the pain to focus on, but it's going to be a permanent reminder of the Juggalo love.



Alright, I could probably keep going on about shit, but I think I'm done with this for now. This is long enough for one night.

Not really a whole hell of a lot going on.... well.. there is... but not a lot that can effectively be put into words. Smoked for the first time in a month last night though. Sweet herbal sustenence. Mmmmmm. I really miss that wonderful meditative state bud puts me in. But for some reason, it doesn't effect me the way it used to. I used to bust out some great writing when I was stoned, not to mention the thoughts I'd have, that came more in visions then anything... kick back with some good music, close my eyes, and I would just see things.... it felt like the mysteries of the universe were being revealed to me in images. Most of it would be lost by the time I was sober, but it was still nice. Makes me wish even more that I could find Peyote in this hell-hole. 4 years of looking and still nothing.

I didn't get any sleep last night. The went to my mom's this morning to do laundry before work due to being out of clean boxers, and I ended up working out a little while I was there. Reminded me of how much I miss having a heavy bag to beat the fuck out of for stress relief. Had my knuckles on both hands almost blood red by the time I was done, even with a pair of bag gloves on. Then I had to go to work, and ended up going out and running around untill 3:30 am with a couple of friends. Due to a few things happening during that, by the time I made it home, I was wide the hell awake and didn't feel anything like going to bed, even though I had been ready to pass out a few hours earlier. So I grabbed my mp3 player and went for a little walk. I ended up walking somewhere around 25 blocks, then jogged a few, and did the last block at a full sprint. So I'm physically and mentally exhausted, my back is killing me, legs and feet are both screaming at me, but I feel great. Just about time for sleep. Weee. :)

I apologize and give warning now. This is going to be a rant. And probably pretty vulgar.





Fucking Microsoft. I finally decided to download the new reincarnation of Napster, free for 2 weeks, thought what the hell. If I like it, I may even get a subscription. So over the course of about 4 hours, I downloaded 2.5 gigs of music, 700+ tracks. Found a lot of shit I liked, some stuff I had been looking for, and some things I was rather surprised to find on a more mainstream site. Then I go to burn some stuff to cd. This "Free Trial" and appearently you even have this problem with a paid subscription, it was going to make me pay $.99/track to burn the songs to cd. Microsoft's WMA file with DRM copyright protection. Took me nearly as long as it did to download the music before I finally found a way around the copyright protection. Just to be able to listen to music I legally downloaded in my car, or anywhere except within Napster or Windows Media Player. The only way I found around it requires me to record the music from output as it's playing. 700 songs, I'll go with an average of 4 minutes per song, this means 48 hours to convert these files into a format where I can listen to them at will. And it plays the songs in the process. So for the next 2 days straight, my computer is going to be playing music. This is a major pain in the ass. Not to mention, every time it changes tracks, it brings Windows Media Player to the front of the screen, even if I have it mininimzed. So every 4 minutes, I have WMP popping up in front of anything I'm doing on my comp. FUCKING ASSHOLES. How much fucking money are these companies spending to try to prevent losing money from piracy? I'm going to guess a lot more then they ever lost from piracy. Especially since for the vast majority, the artists weren't losing that much money, just the record labels. The artists get screwed over by the record labels from the start anyway. Not that they don't make tons of money, but it's still only a small percentage of the money made from their music. This is really wrong in my eyes.



In the words of Tech N9ne.... The industry is some punk mothafuckas.

Normally I'm not big on online journals. But might as well give it another try. I usually end up writing in them a few times, and forgetting about it.



Well, so far this just hasn't been a great year. Nothing horrible overall, just a general blah. The concert I went to last week definatley added a major highlight though. Psychopathic All-Stars Tour with Esham, Blaze, Jumpsteady, and ABK. First live Psychopathic Records show I've been able to make it too. Fucking unbelievable. Room packed with hundred of Juggalos, the energy was absolutely mind-blowing. We ended up talking to Blaze during one of the opening acts, he was hanging back on the balcony where we were at, didn't even realize it was him untill later on that night. Hella cool guy. And I respect him that much more, seeing how he was just out in the crowd watching the show. Granted, not many people recognize him without the facepaint, but still awesome.



And we got to chill with Rude Boy. Insane motherfucker. And funny. The quote I'll always remember him by, "I can't wrestle either, but I can bleed real well."

Insane ass backyard wrestlers.



Think I'm going to head back to bed and fight the insomnia some more. Went to bed at 5, was still wide awake at 6, been on here for about 3 hours now, and I'm getting up in about 4 hours. Should be an interesting day.



MCL